Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in subflower's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, July 31st, 2007
9:23 pm	a mouthful EEEeeee!  i've got a new toy coming.  it's a beautiful leather head harness complete with ballgag and an O ring for attatching a leash or other restraints.  it's actually a little funny that i'm excited about the harness because it is quite complex and will cover much of my head.  not long ago, such a device would have been a hard limit for me.  for a while, i had an aversion to hoods or anything else that would obscure my features.  i can't think of a reason why the hoods would frighten me when the majority of BDSM accoutrement turned me on to no end.   No traumatic incidents, nothing.  anyway, when I was told about my new toy, i was uncommonly excited.  perhaps i just needed time to adjust to the idea.  funny how that can happen and does happen often when it comes to BDSM.  though i play with one and the same person 95% of the time, i still go through the BDSM checklist every year.  i always have different answers and they are always improvements over the previous year.  it must be true what they say.  other than the four C’s, everything is negotiable. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 14th, 2007
11:09 am	my kind of humour A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 9th, 2007
11:36 pm	sadism...still i've been reading FifthAngel's book.  i want to wait until i finish it before i write about it, but it's taking me longer than i expected.  it's so good we keep having to stop to have sex.  what better review can you give a book?  (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
11:41 pm	sweet sadism i read the most romantic thing today.  i was checking out a BDSM website a friend recommended that approaches kink as a form of art, and the author had posted an update about him and his subbie.  he was announcing that they were getting married, but the way he proposed was very touching to me.  he asked her to marry him while she was suspended by hooks at one of the leather conferences.  i've never been suspended myself, but i've read about it, and the euphoria that lucky girl must have felt is probably immeasurable.  the website itself is pretty interesting.  i spent the afternoon contemplating the first paragraph on the first page.  the author, FifthAngel, has also written books on BDSM, and i'm going to order his latest, Your Pain, My Pleasure: Inside the Mind of a Sexual Sadist.  i'll post the jacket info at the bottom, but the title alone intrigues me.  i haven't found much about sadism that doesn't label it as a mental disorder.  and since i'm responsible for unleashing and encouraging my Dom's inner sadist, i like to read up on what i've gotten myself into.  if you'd like to check out FifthAngel's website, it's artofbdsm.com. Your Pain, My Pleasure: Inside the Mind of a Sexual Sadist Back Cover: Others call FifthAngel a sadist because he derives sexual pleasure from causing people pain.  He offers no excuses, no apologies, no rationalizations – that’s what he does and why he does it.  He revels in inflicting pain: bondage with hooks and chains, suturing mouths shut, driving needles into fingers and toes.  None of this is fantasy.  He has done it all many times and always with consenting partners.       In this stark, unflinching self-portrait, FifthAngel (author of The Finer Points of Pain and Pleasure) reveals his essence as well as his experiences: his development as a sexual sadist, where he gets his fiendish inspiration, how he reconciles being a Master and a sadist, what love’s got to do with it, and how he has come to be known as both healer and shaman. Several chapters contributed by his partners explore the journey from their side, explaining the apparent paradox of their participation.  They have different goals, different destinations in mind, but for all, “Pain is how they get there.”  For pain itself is a tool, a means toward catharsis, transcendence, shedding artifice, revealing truth, conquering fear, overcoming personal limitations, and escaping the limits of the flesh. His 24/7 consensual slave leslie, a self-described “wimpy pain bottom,” writes, “For me, it’s not about the pain, but about the intensity, connection, and passion that come with it.”  For FifthAngel, it’s about the pain. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
10:35 am	estivation i've been told many times by elders in the community that "life gets in the way," but no one mentioned that it gets in the way without you realizing it.  i had my first real scenes over the past two days and something inside me has awoken from a long slumber.  sadly, i had been so caught up in grad school and, well, life in general, that i didn't realize a part of me had starved and gone dormant.  even sadder, this part of me once had center stage.  i would get through school or work each week, ever focused on the weekend and the SM parties and meetings to come.  i now think of those times as "the good old days."   how depressing.  when i was a young church girl, i heard the pastor preach on the importance of fellowship, but i never really understood what he meant until i attended SM parties.  of course, one could practice SM in the privacy of one's own home and be happy, but parties provide something that can't be achieved at home.  my Dom and i had stumbled into SM ourselves and then began to learn through the internet.  when we eventually ventured into the local scene, i was amazed at how similar to a church service the meetings were.  the feeling of community was so warming.  to know i was not alone, i was not crazy or weird to these people, was tremendously important to me.  of course, the feeling of being involved in something secret and deviant was very exciting too.  the people were so kind.  they helped me overcome shyness and fear and accept not only my body but my secret desires as well.  they became mentors and close friends.  the parties and meetings were a school for me.  i saw things i had never dreamed of trying, and when i left, my thirst for play had been renewed.  i had something to aspire to. nowadays, i live too far from the public scene, and since the move, my thirst has dwindled and almost disappeared.  don't get me wrong.  i'm still very much a submissive, and i practice it, in an inactive sort of way.  i serve my Dom, and i perform my chores, but we had not played for months.  i'm on vacation now, between semesters, and we have had enough time together to play, and play we did.  i am proudly sporting twin marks on my bottom that make it very, exquisitely, uncomfortable to sit here.  i am even happier that the marks have lasted as long as they have and actually have bruise potential.  but even more important is the awakening of my inner subbie.  not only is she awake but stretching and flexing  her muscles and making demands on me that i dare not ignore.  it's too much fun.  and perhaps that was my problem all along.  i had forgotten the joy of submission.  i'm looking forward to moving next year to a city with a SM scene, but i'm determined to stay joyfully active until then. (Comment on this)